In the past few weeks the malt liquor/energy drink/cocaine in a can beverage known as Four Loko has come under fire from the Food and Drug Administration and now faces bans in numerous states. The product has achieved widespread popularity amongst people who enjoy doing terrible things to their bodies, blacking out on a regular basis, and consuming liquids that taste like Japanese coca-cola variations. Facing substantial revenue losses at the hands of government interference with the all-out-nationwide-rager perpetuated by the beverage, Drink Four – the parent company of Four Loko – has announced a new Thanksgiving themed product offering.
Four SOFO will stick with the same philosophy that made Four Loko a success – combining uppers (caffiene), downers (alcohol), and abhorrent flavors in a triple-serving can. Four SOFO is to feature a fun combination of tryptophan, the chemical compound found in turkey and red wine that is renowned for its ability to induce sleep, and meth.
Customers who were offered the product for a night in the test market of Forsyth county, Ga had this to say:
“The meth gives the drink a great tangy aftertaste and a failsafe excuse for sleeping with ugly girls!”
“I’ve always been a fan of tryptophan in the same way that I love a good Oxycontin hit and I’m a huge fan of the added meth! The result was a complete inner calm and relaxation while I rabidly fought my best friend in the bar over a remark he made about my shoes being unfashionable!”
“Being from Forsyth, I’ve been using meth for years. I love a good thanksgiving flavored, tryptophan-induced food coma balanced out with a few crystals of methamphetamines from my cousin’s trailer, but this sublime combination has never been handed to me in a convenient, camouflaged can before! This is the greatest thing since…strippers and crack cocaine!”
“If you think you’re thankful for oversized canned beverages that taste like rotten fruit now, just wait until next Thanksgiving when you can be thankful for being out of jail in the wake of whatever you did after drinking two Four SOFOs in the same night!”
When asked about the possible negative health implications of the product, a Drink Four spokesperson responded:
“Health implications? Its thanksgiving, man. To quote Brian Wilson of the San Francisco Giants, a man who was offered a sponsorship deal as soon as he uttered these immortal words, “I just want to rage. Right now.””
Four SOFO will hit the shelves of your local run-down gas station tomorrow on what the company is calling “Blackout Friday”.
A happy thanksgiving to you from all of us at sorryforstaring.com – we’re thankful for anyone who wastes enough time on a regular basis to visit the site, binge drinking, and meth.
Sorry For Staring 