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Posts Tagged ‘funny’

Class is long, math is hard, desks are small. Sometimes the classroom climate isn’t quite right. Every now and then there is an annoyingly low or high level of lighting. All these things, while decidedly negative, can be easily dealt with. A more formidable foe to your classroom performance, however, which is both far more annoying and twice as tough to relegate, are those issues arising due to terrible, terrible neighbors.

Yesterday I had the distinct displeasure of sitting next to a loud breather. It wasn’t enough for this person to simply fulfill his natural and necessary urge to inhale and exhale – he took it a step further and decided that he would like to announce to the world when exactly he would be doing these things, as if he were proud of them. Being the non-confrontational type, I just tried to press on with the statistics information being thrown at me. It went something like this:

“The standard deviation is the distance SUPER LOUD INHALATION THROUGH THE NOSTRILS and the mean. (Dude. That’s so annoying. Quit. Quit that.) If you follow the standard theory of SUPER LOUD INHALATION THROUGH THE NOSTRILS all of the data. (I wonder what would happen if I just held his nose shut for a couple of seconds…) On the board is the data for the annual salaries of cocaine dealers on the streets of Chicago.  As you can see, the data is relatively bell-shaped and semetrical, which means we can use the standard theory. How many standard deviations (maybe he stopped…I think I know how to do this…I wonder what percentage of the data she’s looking for…If its 75 or 99 I definitely know how to do this) does it take to encompass SUPER LOUD INHALATION THROUGH THE NOSTRILS % of the data? (DSFU&$*^$*%#$**_!!)”

The loud breather can’t really be called out for breathing. Worse, he almost gives you enough time to forget how terribly annoyed you are by his breathing in-between loud-breaths. It reminds me of being harassed by an older brother on a car trip who pokes you in masterfully calculated intervals to achieve maximum frustration and anger on your part. Sorry for staring at your nose man, but I can’t do anything right now but ponder how effective a a small but strategically placed puncture wound made by my ballpoint pen in the bridge of your nose would be in lowering your respiratory volume.

It doesn’t stop with that guy – a whole host of poorly behaved classmates could have sat next to me. For example, the loud typer, who insists upon bringing his laptop to class and pounding out with enthusiasm every letter than may be communicated for the entire hour in fifteen minutes. The loud typer can be identified by the pool of sweat next to him, a result of the extraordinary physical effort it takes to type so very loudly. There’s also the pen-tapper, who, if given the benefit of the doubt, is probably right in time with the Miley Cyrus song that’s happening in their head, but only creates a broken symphony of random taps and spurts of a very distracting nature on their notepad right next to your good ear. There’s a special place in hell for the over-the-top-question-asker – this type of student has an inquiry about every single minuscule thing that the professor has to say, and amazingly, almost always has a loud or shrill voice that is painful to the ears.

The list goes on and on. There’s the fidgeter, the dude who smells bad, the “hey what did she say” guy, your friend who wants to talk to you about last night but doesn’t know how to whisper, the ex-girlfriend in an assigned seat class (self-explanatory. ouch.), the lefty who is always all up in your grill, the loud-texter, the emotional texter, the packmule (brings >3 bags to class which in turn invade your space), the “oh my god can you believe this guy” guy who sighs and makes angry noises as a result of an ideological difference with the professor, the foot-tapper, the dandruff guy, the still drunk guy (more funny than annoying), and finally anyone who would have a level of spohistication so low as to read Perez Hilton’s blog  next to you.

The loud breather sucks, but I suppose he’s better than sitting next to this guy. Thanks to Stephanie Gherini for the link. You’d think the guys at Georgia Tech would be a little more technologically advanced…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o4nwe7cW_og

Surely there’s terrible classmates that I have failed to mention. Ever sat next to a particularly bad one? Tell me about them in the comments section.

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