Posts Tagged ‘Charlemagne’

Humor is a funny thing. I can write until I develop acute carpal tunnel in both wrists about the funniest subject matter there is (probably extreme tea-party members or mid to late 80’s fashion trends) in the best, most comedic way possible, and still not be as funny as strange animals doing strange things on video. Today, I surrender. Here are my 5 favorite comedic gifts from our furry friends.

5. Standing Cat Is Watching You: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W1NR7oGzcEg

I know I’m stating the obvious, but cats are evil and want to overthrow all mankind. They’re only living with us domestically to scout out our lifestyles and eventually make an assault on all that is good, holy, and American. This video serves as proof that the felines are working hard when they think no one is watching to make the transition to bi-pedalism. Anyone who has seen Shrek II knows that cats are vicious while standing and engaging in sword to sword combat. Note the arm move around 31 seconds. Looks like a threatening gesture to me.

4. BBC’s Take a Walk on the Wild Side: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EQ1HKCYJM5U&feature=channel

British people can hear the thoughts of animals, just like Mel Gibson in the feel good film What Women Want, but with animals, not women. These English-accented conversations are always funny due to the unfair comedic advantage enjoyed by all English folk and give true insight into what is really happening in the animal kingdom. I would encourage you to watch all of the related BBC animals talking videos on youtube, as they are all quite comical, until you feel you have mastered the concept. At this point, you will be able to watch “Life” on the Discovery Channel again because of your ability to mute Oprah’s terrible narration and fill in the commentary yourself.

3. Who Dat Dog: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JYvI_vtYeA8

This spirited pup and his drunken supporters provide one of the top five most awesome instances of man’s best friend being made fun of by man. The dog is decidedly confused because, like most people this past  football season, he doesn’t understand how or why it is exactly that he is a Saint’s fan.

2. Fainting Goats: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=we9_CdNPuJg

Maybe Charlemagne, the sassy beau who graces the banner of this page, has me primed to favor vids of goats, but regardless, this one is a gem. How these guys survived the gauntlet of natural history is beyond me. Hop into their shoes: You’re a luscious goat, and you see a predator coming. You sweat. Your heart rate spikes. Instinct takes over and you and you spring into action! Except that the action you take is fainting, which is the evolutionary equivalent of curling up on a silver platter and putting an apple in your mouth…for presentation. Nonetheless, I’m glad these guys made it, because now, after having seen this video, I feel way less bad about that thing with the girl and the bra when I was 13.

1. Slow Loris: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g9f-6jygRJk

Over 2 million other people decided that his clip was hilarious, which goes to show that there’s something inherently awesome about wide-eyed animals enjoying a bit of massage.  Moreover, zero of the aforementioned 2 million people have the slightest idea what a Loris is. Or if its actually called a Slow Loris? I don’t know either. I’m of the opinion that the Loris (Slow Loris) was discovered by the makers of Furby, who have been trying to keep their existence secret ever since.  I would like to add that if you scratch my chest at any point during the day or night, I will behave in a similar manner.

Honorable mention to “Cat Massage” (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TnZhi5gaX8g), which would have made the list, but its really about how unbelievably strange that woman treats her poor cats (for whom I can’t feel sympathy due to my aforementioned feelings towards cats), “Turtle Humps Shoe” (http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=turtle+humps+shoe&aq=1) which is just way too easy to make jokes about, “Karate Monkey”(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=__7L6ht6_Qg) which is just more awesome than funny, and “Dramatic Hampster” (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y8Kyi0WNg40) which is the filming of a hamster’s reaction to the news that Sara Palin is running for president in 2012. That guy is Sorry For Staring too.

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Many times, when we’re placed under pressure or act on our immediate impulses, we say incredibly poorly thought-out things. Today, I did just this.

I was recently invited to attend an information session about a summer internship opportunity on behalf of the Southwest Great American Corporation. The recruiter called me at 10:00 PM and asked for Ronald. So close. I did, however, hear him out, and told him that I could make an info session at 5:00PM Wednesday. Weird things to this point: 10 ‘o clock phonecall. Wrong name.

I looked into this company a little bit. They’ve got a nice website and such, but I couldn’t quite find out what they did. After much digging, which is strange, I found that apparently they hire college students to sell books during the summer to “people in their own homes”. This ranks right below being a Mormon door to door guy on my list of things to do with my life. This information, however, was kind of tough to come by – everything else on the site was about how valueable the experience is and un-godly sum of money that you could make working with them for a summer. What kind of company doesn’t tell you what they do and pays their employees un-godly sums of money? Drug dealers. Weird things to this point: Wrong name. Ten o’ clock phonecall. Sketchy Website. Un-godly sums of money. Mormonism.

I showed up for the sesh, and was greeted by a terribly unfashionable man in a red shirt, red and white candycane-esque striped tie, gray blazer, and black dress pants. Bad facial hair, worse hairstyle, smelled like a used car salesman. Italian boots. It did not help that this meeting was in the basement of Clark Howell hall – not a nice place. There were other confused college students there filling out green sheets of paper. I got handed a green sheet. I offered a résumé. He declined, and asked me to fill out the green sheet, which turned out to be copying things on my résumé to answer questions like “What are you most proud of?”. Not the business norm by any means. There was a section to refer “people you would want to start a business with.” Smells like they want me to do their recruiting for them. Level of prestige – minus 1,000 points. Not to be snobby, but the last time I interviewed for an internship, it was after being flown to Columbus OH, taken out to dinner, and put up in a Marriott for a night – this was quite the different experience. This man weirded me out. This company weirded me out. I was weired out. Weird things to this point: enough to want to get the hell out of dodge.

I was stuck. I sat on the side of the table furthest from the door. Unfashionable guy was standing near the door. I had a backpack. I could go to the bathroom and never come back, but I had to get my satchel out at as well. While filling out “What are your greatest strengths” on the green sheet I was formulating a plan of escape. Bad hair guy asked me what I was studying. I said Int’l Business, Marketing, and Spanish. He asked me why I would put myself through that in a “wow that sounds like a lot of work…dumb!” kind of tone. Concrete decision made to leave.

That’s when it happened. I stood. I zipped. I put a worried expression on my face. I bolted for the door. “Are you leaving?” Said the man. Yes. Yes I am leaving. I do not like your meeting. I rather dislike your tie. Your organization gives me the heeby-jeebies. There’s no candy here. “Yea man, I’m really sorry, but I just got a phonecall, my friend got in a car accident. We’ll be in touch, sorry again.” I’ve never exited a building so quickly.

I once read a John Grisham book that described in detail the process of remembering your mistakes after you commit a crime. That started happening right away. My crime-lie had more holes than swiss cheese. Why did I say that? I guess its just one of those accepted “this probably isn’t true but you’re a d-bag if you try to call me on it and you’re wrong” statements. Problems with my utterance: 1) I never answered my phone while in the room. 2) I should have said girlfriend. 3) I looked relieved to be leaving (I was relieved to be leaving). 4)I bet this man has had the same thing done to him 1,000 times – I should have gone with “Hey, sorry, Charlemagne goat just wriggled out of his Michael Jackson vest, i’ve got to go get that back on him before he catches cold…”

Us humans, when put under pressure have the propensity to say incredibly stupid things – especially if we’re lying. I can’t think of the 500 other times in my life that I’ve done this, but I assure you, they exist, and are perhaps as bad or worse than this one. If you have pulled this act of stupidity lately, do tell the world with a comment.

Sorry for introspectively analyzing my own actions (which could be considered self-staring by some), but that was dumb.

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