Posts Tagged ‘Georgian’

Love thy neighbor as thyself. This biblical maxim to which we can all aspire and fail to achieve applies, under a liberal interpretation, to many instances of the word “neighbor”, including one’s home state. So, on this good Friday, with spring break fresh in mind, let me as a Georgian shed a little love on my neighbor to the south: Florida. Here are my top five favorite things about america’s thumb.

5. “Salt Life” Stickers – The first time I saw “salt life” strewn across a back windshield in sticker form, it was on a car driven by a good looking woman. I got a quick glance at it, and made a conclusion as to what it said. It is a known scinetific fact taht if one reads the fisrt and last lettres of a wrod corretcly and qucikly, that one will arrive at the correct meaning of the word the large majority of the time. I find that I do this frequently, often jumbling the letters in the middle word and arriving at the wrong meaning. This explains why I was so appalled that a good looking woman would have a “Slut Life” sticker on her car. This process repeats itself for a microsecond every time I see one of those stickers, which means that I have, for a microsecond, have thought that almost every Floridian lives the slut life.

4. Hair Gel Selection in Convenience Stores – While visiting the local Winn Dixie in St. Augustine Florida, I got lost on my way to the tequila section and wound up facing an impressively stocked wall of hair gels. You name it, it was there. Bottles of Axe, L.A. looks, Big sexy, and many others looked me right in the eye and said “buy me because I go great with gold chains and Jager bombs.” It could be argued that I’m making un-necessary fun of Florida and its residents, but the laws of supply and demand apply to the Sunshine state, and those laws, my friends, do not lie.

3. AARP Members – The American Association of Retired Persons is one of the most powerful political lobbies in the nation. Their members, none of whom are from Florida, all live there. This is great because it ensures that wherever you drive in Florida, that you will be stuck behind someone  going five miles under the speed limit, and consequently, you too will be traveling at 5 miles under the speed limit. Also, watch out for the 5:00 dinner rush (its important to have enough time for a game of boggle after dinner, but before 8PM curfew), the 6:00AM seizing of all the pool chairs, and the un-humanly, somehow unnatural although I know that it is not,  level of tan achieved by those dedicated old few who spend each and every day seizing the aforementioned pool chairs.

2. Club La Vela – No brainer. Where else can you party with thousands? I guess you can do that in a few places, but not THESE thousands. Of course the thousands to whom I refer are the thousands of teenagers from the greater metro Atlanta area who enjoy dancing suggestively with strangers because they’re drunk on the liquor they stole from their parent’s cabinet before the left for spring break or summer vacation. The club is also good for seeing ex real world cast members, and sightings of the aforementioned hair gel in use.

This sign is like a hug from a loving mother after some elementary school bully who wore a lot of hair gel made you feel bad about yourself. This sign is the light at the end of the tunnel, the glimmer of hope long down the highway of life, the metaphorical paycheck after a hellish week of work. Nothing makes me happier than to be back in the land of peaches and patriotism after a foray into the most southern state that is certainly not part of the south. Thanks to Florida for making me appreciate and love the peach state by setting the bar really, really low. Sorry For Staring, but I’m just really, really happy to be looking at that sign.

UPDATE: Below is a scathing rebuttal from a Floridian friend of mine. I’m afraid she’s right on all accounts. Especially about the aloe.

“1. You never seemed to mind Florida before…in fact you willingly drove 5 hours just to be here on many occasions.
2. Your family vacations to my state….you’re welcome.
3. Every Floridian who reads your post will feel sorry for you and tell you to rub aloe on till your sunburn goes away and you feel better about life.”

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