Posts Tagged ‘Miss Michigan’

Its summertime in Athens, GA. The classic college city shrinks a bit, things slow down, and it gets hot. I’m not complaining – I rather enjoy it – but I will say that on occasion Sunday nights can be slightly uneventful, especially when one tries to proactively study for a test before there is any real pressure to do so.  I was bored.

There’s the justification, here comes the pile of bricks.  I watched the Miss USA pageant.

In lieu of International Marketing, I learned this fact of life: Men and Women are different.

After each skin and cleavage filled procession of estrogen, the camera cut to two rather aged ladies (whom I assume are mildly famous but are by no means on my small celebrity radar) who take turns blowing sunshine onto a contestant or two, then ripping their least favorite contestants to shreds. The commentators take the reigns and conduct a Sportscenter-like breakdown of the previous performance. At this point, men quit caring and change the channel while these two females talk about things like “poise” and “confidence”. The ones whose wives, girlfriends, or partners wouldn’t let them flip back to the game had to stay and listen.

I think this process would be drastically different if commentated on by men. A brief hypothetical comparison:

Female Commentators: “And you just lookie here at Miss Oklohoma! She has just such great “confidence” and “poise”. Look what she’s doing here with her piece of golden fabric. Ooo and that spin, that’s just fantastic! Such elegance! And poise! Oo and confidence! Poise. Confidence.

Male Commentators: Ok Bob, next was Miss Oklohoma. She’s hot. After that was Mississippi. She’s hot. Following was Pennsylvania. Also hot. Georgia. Hot. Florida. Hot. California. Hot. Alaska. Surprisingly super hot. Idaho. Not at all like a potato, very hot. And that’s our take, back to you Bob.

That applied to the female commentary while in a good mood. Let’s look at the respective female and male reaction to last night’s main highlight – Miss Michigan’s stumble during the third movement of the evening gown portion.

Female Commentators: “Oooo ok let’s get that big event up here on the replay. Look here, Miss Michigan trips! She trips! Everyone knows you shouldn’t have a train on your gown lest you trip! She’s done for! Absolutely terrible. What lack of poise. To me a trip just shows how un-confident some of the contestants are. No poise. No confidence. Oh my.

Male Commentators: Idaho. Still hot. Wyoming. Hot. Michigan – did you see her rack? Man. hot.

Aside from the bedeviled commentary, we got to intimately know these girls in a number of ways including seeing them mostly naked in swimsuits, seeing them mostly naked in photographs, and hearing them tell us about themselves. Some gems from the 30 second bio’s were that Miss Mississippi owns and operates her own fireworks stand, and that one of the anonymous blondes collects purses and shoes. In fairness, Miss Michigan does have her MBA from the University of Michigan, which was a great showing of feminine beauty paired with intelligence far greater than my own and that of many, many men.

We were further opened to the wonderful world of the ten finalists as individuals with a brief Q and A conducted by the MC’s. The highlight question of the night was decidedly, “I hear you make a great grilled cheese sandwich, tell us about that…” In response to this, the contestant explained that she liked to put extra cheese on the bread. This lead to the cultivation of a deep and profound respect in my heart for this woman and her prowess in the field of grilled cheese.

The final gauntlet for these ladies was the question and answer session, which proved to be pretty awesome. The contestants all drew a question at random, asked by a celebrity judge, which touched on tough issues like the BP oil spill, the Arizona immigration bill, birth control, and the exploitation of women as sexual objects in pageants for television advertising revenue. Ok so they skirted one of those, but that didn’t stop the contestants from not giving a definitive or direct answer to anything, or from saying little to nothing of value in a rant of no more than 30 seconds.

When Paula Dean asked how many sticks of butter it takes to get to the center of a heart disease pop, I mean, who is responsible for the BP oil spill (which was the easiest question of the night; what color is Harry’s blue shirt? Blue. Who’s responsible for the BP oil spill? Come on now…), the contestant still somehow managed to be ambivalent and indecisive. I will say that I can’t blame her – I would also crack like the eggs into a mixing bowl on its way to becoming a set of deep-fried truffle cupcakes in the presence of the great Paula if I weighed 110 pounds. Which I admittedly almost do.

The most suspenseful moment in the night came when the top five were announced, in order, resulting in one Miss USA 2010. Once there were only two godess-like, beautiful, bonerific women remaining, the two females engaged in the pageant custom of embracing one another while the final decision was announced, acting as if they legitimately wanted the other one to win. For some reason, the two women chose to face each other and hold hands. Then they elected to touch each other’s faces while remaining very close and holding hands with the other arms. Then, for womanly support of course, they held the back of each other’s neck and intensely and nervously looked each other in the eye. As the drums rolled and the lights flashed, every woman watching was on the edge of her seat, eager to hear which woman would be selected as this year’s MISS USA! Every man watching was on the edge of his seat, eager to see if two of the hottest women in the nation were really, actually, maybe just maybe, about to make out.

In a true underdog story that rivals the great sports films Miracle, We Are Marshall, Remember The Titans, Cool Runnings, and Rocky I-IV with the exception of III, Miss Michigan grabbed the crown despite her third quarter stumble, thus becoming the first Muslim american to don the Crown. Its the feel good story of the summer. Sorry for Staring, but the swim suit portion was on while I was channel surfing, its not my fault, they’re so hot.

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